It happened. For the first time since my divorce, I heard that song on the radio.
My ex husband always said it was "our song", but I never really thought it was. I loved the song when it was first released, but something about it made me want to keep it for myself. Maybe it was because I always knew something was lacking in the way he saw me. Maybe it was because he was always in the band when there was dancing and so we never danced "cheek to cheek". Maybe it was because he called me a lot of things, but "lady" wasn't one of them. Maybe it was because some of the lines reminded me of how he wanted me as an "escort"- ie: arm candy so that he wouldn't have to go alone to events where his co-workers came in couples. But still, he referred to it as ours whenever he heard it. I came to not even like the song out of resentment.
I can usually recognize an 80's and early 90's song by the third note of the tune. It's a game we play in the car, in which I'm the only contestant but the children get a kick out of seeing how long it takes me, and if I am correct, before the title appears on the digital read of the dash or the lyrics begin. This song was no exception; in fact, I think I caught it from the first chord.
As soon as I heard the chord, I froze and I had to catch my breath.
My first reaction was turn it off; I did not need a flashback while I was driving. I experienced one of those flashbacks from my marriage this week. I don't even remember the trigger this time, but I could hear the name calling in my head which spiraled into self degradation. When this happens while I'm driving, the only escape is to pray aloud and/or crank up the radio. When the radio is the trigger, that leaves me with one option.
This time, however, I left the radio on and sang along. I listened to and held on to every word and the smile that started on my face from the sound of Chris DeBurgh's raspy voice slowly spread to my heart. And by the end of the song, I was holding on to every word and feeling every chord..
and 'he' wasn't there. Not only was there no flashback, but there was no thought of Tom at all. In my mind I was on the dance floor, and he wasn't.
But I can see myself dancing with someone. This man and I create our own rhythm, as he patiently awaits my next move as only a gentleman can. In my imagination, the lover with whom I am dancing loves me for who I am, not just for whom he wants me to be for him. He sees no one else in the room. He's not dancing with me so that others can see us together; he's dancing with me because he can't imagine a life without me. He breathes me in as he looks into my eyes, seeing me for the lady that I am.
And as the melody fades on the radio, the song becomes my song, ready to be shared.
Lady in Red
